


As the Rain Comes Down

by InTheShadows



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: 5+1 Things, Brooding, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, M/M, POV First Person, Thunderstorms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-09-26 14:21:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9903740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InTheShadows/pseuds/InTheShadows
Summary: alternatively, 5 times Simon Snow stands out in the rain, brooding, and one time he broods in the sun





	

**1**

**[Baz]**

**.**

I wake to a crash of thunder. Great, just what we need right now. A storm. I go to pull the covet closer, but realize I was alone. Snow is gone. Panic rushes through me. Snow is gone. We went to bed together. He had his arms wrapped tightly around me, as if he was afraid to let go. As if I would vanish if he did.

It's only been three days since the Mage died.

In that time, Snow has not said one word. Not a sound. He barely even shrugs. He just stares off into the distance, gripping my hand for dear life. My hand loses circulation when he grips too tightly, but I don't say anything. I would cut off my hand first. He has not left my side once.

But now Snow is gone and I don't know where. It's not safe for him to be alone right now. The Coven has only begun their investigation. He isn't allowed to leave Watford. He can't defend himself right now. There is something wrong with his magic. He smells different.

Another clap of thunder comes through our open window. Because of course it is open. Snow still won't close it. I look out it and see a figure on the Lawn. Snow.

Simon bloody Snow is out in this thunderstorm. Naturally.

I sigh in annoyance as I exit the room to go fetch him. And relief. I can't help the blinding relief that courses through me now that I know Snow is safe.

“You bloody idiot,” I growl as I stand next to him, “couldn't you at least have brought an umbrella?”

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't look at me. He just continues to look up at the sky. If he isn't careful, one of the raindrops will poke his eye out. It would serve him right. His tail whips around him and his wings are spread wide. He looks like a demented version of a small child who is playing in the rain.

I grab his tail as it almost hits me and wrap it around my wrist. He still doesn't have very good control of it. I can't count the number of times I have been hit in the past three days. His wing comes up and shields me from the rain. I roll my eyes.

Sure, he can control his wings to keep me dry, but the idiot can't do the same for himself. Clearly Bunce is the only reason Snow is still alive.

I reach over and yank his other wing over top of his head. He still doesn't respond.

I don't have to ask what he is thinking about. I don't even have to ask why he came out here. It is obvious. Snow has had the same blank expression on his face since he last saw the Mage, dead. I could kill him myself for what he did to Snow. What he tried to do.

That part still isn't too clear. We know he was trying to perform some ritual. We know it was blood magic. We know he tried to kill Snow first. But the details are fuzzy. No one really knows what to think. Not everyone liked the Mage, but it is still a shock that he is dead.

I would gladly burn him in a heartbeat.

He was the one Snow looked up to. He was the one Snow trusted. And he betrayed that. He threw it away. Who is stupid enough to throw Simon away? As if my opinion of he couldn't get any lower.

I want to pull Snow into my arms and take him inside. I want to take away his pain. I want to see the fire in his eyes. I have always been attracted to fire. I am like a moth to a flame. Is it any wonder I gravitate towards Snow?

But now the fire is gone. There is no life in his bright blue eyes. Empty. Hollow.

Dead.

Snow is my sun. What happens when the sun suddenly goes dark? This must be how people felt, before they knew about eclipses.

I feel helpless. What am I suppose to do? Before this, my default would be to push, to sneer, to mock. I would pick a fight with him just to feel his eyes on me. Now I can't. I don't even know if he would respond. Some great boyfriend.

But then Simon leans into me, sighing softly. He takes my hand in his and doesn't let go.

**.**

**2**

**[Simon]**

**.**

Everything is burning. Everything is hot. No, not hot. Dry. Everything is dry, just like it always is when he shows up. Me. A younger me. An eleven year old version of me.

He smiles at me sweetly, bouncing the red ball I never put down that first year at Watford. I know people thought I was weird for carrying it around. But it was mine. I didn't have many things that were just mine at the homes. It was used or I had to share. But the ball was _mine._ I couldn't put it down or someone might steal it.

“You're just like me,” he says as he sucks the life out of everything around him. He sucks and sucks until he begins to suck me up as well. Because he's a hole. Holes need filled. He sucks my skin from my body, my blood from my bones, my bones from the air.

I don't exist. I'm just a shadow. I am the Insidious Humdrum.

I jerk awake, still surprised the air isn't filled with smoke. It's been a month and I'm still not use to not having magic. Will I ever? Is that a thing people can get use to? Suddenly not being magical. Not being a Mage. People live their whole lives with magic. They don't stop having it suddenly.

They don't grow up Normal either.

I never knew magic was real until I was eleven. And then I fell in love with it. My first crush. You never let go of it. I can't.

But was my magic even mine to begin with? Or was it borrowed? Stolen? Was I just a place holder? No one can understand it. They are going through the Mage's old journals, looking for clues. Apparently there is some insane stuff in there.

The rain hits the side of the outside wall. It is raining again. Not that it's a surprise. It is always raining.

The walls start closing in on me. It's hard to breathe. I am still too hot. I can't stay in here another minute. I slip out of bed without waking Baz and run outside.

I know Baz will be angry with me. Last time he yelled at me and stripped me and shoved me into the shower to warm up. He didn't. But apparently vampires can't get sick. His skin is always cool to the touch. I'm the one to warm it up. I like that.

I end up on the ramparts. I remember the last time I was up here. With Agatha. Back when she was waiting for Baz. Or I think she was. I don't know. I miss her. I don't want to be her boyfriend again, but I miss her. I only had her and Penny for a long time. Now I only have Penny.

And Baz.

It's still strange. A good strange. I like being Baz's boyfriend, even if I am being a terrible boyfriend right now. But I warned him I would be.

Still.

I don't know what I would do without him. He is my anchor. He has always been in my life. I can't have him disappear now. I will disappear with him. I will vanish. Cease to exist. He is the only thing holding me here right now. Nothing else feels real.

That's why I can't let go of him. Of his hand during the day. Of his waist at night. I have to hold him to make sure he doesn't leave me. I can't lose him. Funny how I never realized before. Not that anyone has ever accused me of being smart. Not that Baz ever has.

He tells me what an idiot I am daily. It's comforting. I'm not sure I could handle it if he started being sincere. I know he cares. But if he stops being a sarcastic arse, the world might stop. And speaking of Baz.

“Idiot,” he grumbles. _**“Rain, rain go away.” “You're getting warmer.”**_ he casts, spelling us both dry and waterproof. He wraps his arms around me. I accidentally hit him with my wing. Again. He just sighs. 

Around us, the rain pours down.

**.**

**3**

**[Simon]**

**.**

Lightening flashes in the sky as I watch from the roof. All around, the world has halted to a standstill. No one is outside. Only the occasional car passes by down below. The rain pounds the Earth, trying to dent it. Or that's what it feels like.

In our flat, both Penny and Baz are sleeping. I hope they stay that way. Baz has a habit of waking up and coming to find me. He isn't happy with my habit of standing outside in the rain. But I won't stop. It feels good. Freeing.

Baz was exhausted when we went to bed. He had gotten into a row with his Father. Again. Over me. Again. He's told me his Father has never approved of him being a vampire. Or queer. But he said he never talked about it either.

Now that has changed.

He wants him to go to a different university, away from here, away from me. He wants him to go back to pretending to being the perfect, straight, non-vampire son. He wants Baz to break up with me. He wants Baz to stop seeing me.

Baz refuses.

His Father is threatening to cut him off. Baz dares him to.

I wonder if I am worth this. Baz says I am. That I am worth everything and more. But wouldn't it be better if he did break up with me? He would still be gay. And a vampire. But maybe if he found a boyfriend his parents could approve of. Not the magic-less ex Chosen One who almost destroyed the world. Or the World of Mages, at least.

Not someone who was pro-Mage. Not someone who was also the Insidious Humdrum.

My therapist is trying to help me through that. She keeps telling me it's not my fault. But how can she be so sure? How can she know when she wasn't there? I was. Shouldn't I know better? She calls it survivors guilt and depression and other things.

She says the Mage used me. I couldn't have known because he never showed me what he was really like. She says he tricked me. Manipulated me. She says it's not my fault. I think this is proof of how stupid I am.

Now, with Baz's Father, it feels even more my fault than before.

Who am I to keep him from his family? He actually has family. He shouldn't lose them because of me. Because I was selfish enough to keep him with me. To keep me from vanishing. His family is more important than I am. They are blood. I'm just a freak now.

Baz would flip if he knew that's what I thought of myself now. He doesn't like me belittling myself. But that's what I am, isn't it? A freak. Dragon wings and a devil's tail. No magic. Broken magic, when I had it. Taken from Normals.

What part of that doesn't make me a freak?

I never fit in with the Normals. I never fit in with the Mages. Part of both worlds, but belonging to neither. Forever an outcast. How can I hold Baz back just because he makes me feel like, for once, I do belong somewhere? How can I be that selfish?

I can't be the person to tear a family apart. I would never forgive myself. And I would still have Penny. Until she moves to America. I can do it. For Baz.

But I know I'm lying. Because Baz won't give up without a fight. And fighting is what we use to do best. We still fight. But not like before. I don't think I could convince him to leave. He's so bloody stubborn. So that means waiting until he realizes I'm not worth it. Not the fighting. Not the separation. Not the trouble.

And then I'll be alone. Again. But I'll do it, if that's what he wants. Because I'm not worth it. No matter what Baz says, I'm not. He's perfect. I'm just a freak. 

**.**

**4**

**[Baz]**

**.**

When I wake to an empty bed, I sigh in aggravation. When I see that it is storming, I am tempted to smother the idiot with my pillow. Why can't he brood inside like a regular bloody person? Why does he have to go outside in the cold rain to do it? Bloody twit is going to catch his death yet.

I grab an umbrella and go to the roof, knowing that's where Simon will be. And he is. Without anything to protect him. Not even his wings. Bloody sod. I stand beside him, shielding him from the rain. He doesn't say anything, but I'm not expecting him to. He never does, when he's like this.

At least I know what this is about. He had been talking to his therapist today and got on the subject of sexuality. Finally. It hadn't been brought up yet in favor of other, more pressing issues. But I know how much it has been bothering him. Now he finally has a name for it. Bisexuality.

Theoretically it shouldn't have been a hard conclusion. He genuinely liked Wellbelove. And he likes me. But nothing with Simon is ever easy. It's not that he's stupid. Well, yes, it is. But it's a certain type of stupidity that doesn't mean he's a complete loss. It's rather endearing, in it's own way. But so is the way Simon eats butter. Without anything else.

No. He can be smart. He  _ is _ smart. But it's not the easily recognizable kind. He's good with numbers. He's amazing in the kitchen. But logical leaps are still a challenge for him. 

Plus the idea of bisexuality is not as simple as people think. Or it can be.

I'm not sure why this revelation requires a trip out into the rain though. I wish he wouldn't. He's going to get sick one of these times. And I usually wake up when he does. I have trouble sleeping without him. Without his warmth. He is still a heater, even without his magic.

He is still the sun.

**.**

**5**

**[Simon]**

**.**

The rain hits my skin as I sit on the balcony of our new flat. Mine and Baz's. It feels odd. We lived together for so long. And then I moved in with Penny and Baz lived in his Aunt's old flat. Although he was over at ours enough for people to think three of us lived there instead of two. But we still had separate flats. Now we are living together again. Me and Baz.

Penny officially moved to America last week to be with Micah.

Baz says America isn't amnesia. Penny promises she'll stay in touch. But it won't be the same. It isn't the same. She's only been gone a week and it isn't the same. I have known Penny for as long as I've known Agatha and Baz.

I've already had to say goodbye to Agatha. Sort of. She left for California before I could actually talk to her. So, in my head, I've said goodbye to her. Maybe it was a good thing I couldn't in real life. I'm shite at it. And Baz. I'm never going to be able to let go of Baz. I know that.

But Penny is the reason I am still alive after all of these years. I couldn't have done it without her. She's why I survived the Insidious Humdrum and the Mage and Watford in general. I never could have done it without her.

And now she's gone.

I know I'll see her again. I'm already invited to the wedding, when they have it. She has already threatened to make me the maid of honor. Or her best man. Or however that works.

But I'm not going to see her everyday now. I keep looking for her, until I remember she's gone. I keep talking to her, calling her name, wanting to tell her something or ask a question. And she's not there. She was the one who first showed me how to use my wand. And now she's an ocean away.

It might as well be a world.

I tried not to let her know how depressed her move was making me. I was happy for her. I am. I am happy. Micah is a great guy. He's lucky to have her. But I think she knew. Of course she did. I think she knows me better than I know myself. Probably. Likely.

How am I suppose to be away from the person who knows me better than I do? How am I going to work things out? I'm too stupid to do it by myself.

Baz hates when I call myself stupid. He says I'm smart where it counts. Where that is suppose to be, I'm not sure. Sure, I'm almost finished with my degree in mathematics. And I'm good at cooking. But does that really count? Baz seems to think it does.

Baz knows me better than I do as well. So at least there's that. But it still doesn't mean that Penny leaving me is alright. It hurts. I always knew this day would come. Back in Watford, I knew one day Penny would marry Micah and I would marry Agatha. That didn't happen, but Penny was still good. So I knew.

Then again, at Watford, I never really expected to survive the end of the War either. Agatha was a dream, a goal. Something to fight for. I never really thought it would happen. Now I am still alive and with Baz instead. I have my own happy ending. If a messed up one.

“Simon,” Baz sneers as he comes out to join me.

I smile. He still hates it when I do this, but he has stopped yelling at me. He spells us and then sits down beside me. He doesn't say anything. That's the best thing about Baz. He knows when not to say anything and when to talk. I never want to talk. Not when I'm out here.

The rain feels good as it hits my skin. Clean. Pure. It washes my thoughts away. The things I can't change. Refreshing.

We sit in silence.

**.**

**+1**

**[Simon]**

**.**

The sun shines down brightly as I lean against our railing. It is one of those nice, warm days that everyone is outside for. The street below is crowded with people, out to soak in the sun. I lift my face to the sky and close my eyes, just feeling. Not thinking. Not yet.

I'm not sure how to handle the news.

I couldn't believe it when Penny called me. She had just finished talking with her Father, who told her the news. And then Professor Bunce called me himself. To make sure I knew. That I didn't hear it from someone else. A less well meaning someone. Penny is fine, obviously.

Baz isn't home right now. He went out shopping. I'm glad. I don't want an audience yet. Even if it is just him. I'll be fine when he gets back, but for now. Well. Now I am going to do what I do best. What I did best at Watford. Not think.

Environmentally it makes sense. Or that's what Penny said anyways. That it is a natural occurrence. The atmosphere has a way of healing itself, no matter what atmosphere you were talking about. Once the problem is solved, the healing can begin. It can fix itself.

And it is.

No one noticed, at first. It happened so slowly, in the beginning. No one thought to look. But now it is obvious. There is no denying what is happening. It has been tested and confirmed by too many scientists for that. They have agreed. This is real.

What this means for the World. Well, it's only good. Finally the damage is being repaired. That should help ease some resentment. It should take things back to how they were before. Kind of. The atmosphere, if not the environment. The war. I never want to be in another war again. I can't. What use would I be?

And yet.

I start to feel something I haven't felt in a long time. Something I long ago buried. Something I thought was dead. Was it possible? Or wishful thinking? Could it really happen? Did I want it to? Even after all this time. Even after what happened last time. Do I want it to?

Yes.

I still miss it. Even after everything, it is till like missing a limb. Not that it was a particularly useful limb. But, still, a limb. I am use to not having it, but I never really feel complete with it gone.

“Hello love,” Baz greets as he joins he out on the balcony. He takes one look at my face and asks, “What's wrong?”

“Penny called,” I say.

“And what did Penny say to upset you? Is something wrong?”

I shake my head. “And Professor Bunce,” I add.

He raises an eyebrow. “Has any other of the Bunce clan called while I was out.”

“No.”

“What did they want?” he asks impatiently.

I give him a bright grin. “Magic is coming back to the holes,” I tell him. I start to feel something I haven't felt in a long time.

Hope.

 

 

 


End file.
